drowning 8h 07eeo3w
sitting on the beach being told that love was rare
girls who were bold and terrified,
girls who were timid and terrified.
the greatest gift is love
so lets sit down define it
instead of live it
the real hypocrisy is an unwillingness to pretend we can make it.
And even when it hurts its free,
the memories all but escaping me
you laughed and dreamed and it never seemed like life
would all but swallow you.
the sea it sends
the searafts home and on driftwood i am all alone
the sole survivor of
the day to day,
imagining another time and another way
for you to see
I made a house down by the shore and lived there for a thousand days
watching the tides.
For every wave that came and went I know I died just a little bit,
the sweet sea breeze carries your name in every scent,
the open air your breezeway faire - and I know I saw you dance upon the sea.
but every tilt laps a little more,
and tide by tide there is no more shore,
the ground around you soft and away.
but you sang to me, my entire world
your softest lilt the frothy swirl,
and every note and every word each broke my earth and kissed me home, the making and unmaking that only I heard.
but time turns pearls into sand
and all the glamour that we had
and all of you that was so grand
sifts softly from my hand
sifts softly from me.
i dreampt of all you used to be
i dreampt of all you could have been
and in this way you're real to me - debase the way life leaves us linearly
and let me dance with you, here, now,
before the tide recedes..
The change that happens every year.
I don't want to be the same
and more and more I try to change,
beaten and battered back to who I've always been.
And you just don't want to change,
wishing backwards to the days to stay the same,
days that are already gone and away.
But I miss the change that happens every year.
I miss you when you're not around
and miss you when you are, passing softly in a different way.
Days that remind me of days that remind me of days
make me long for change.
And you dig through to the core of you.
The further you come the closer you are to who you've always been.
Watching patterns and counting the teeth
until lives repeat.
They say I'm an old soul,
but aren't we both -
Waiting until time stops
to finally die?
Grass slopes down and
white pillars rise.
A sleepy hand upon the snakey shod shoots
up and fades out. A white mist high above and far below; in between
crisp greens and mulch browns,
far below, the sea.
i kept you in my head so that you wouldnt change,
and i kept you alive after you had died.
because sitting there at the precipice,
noone expected more from me.
i've seen planets turn and rotate, the cycle of life, and more, but
noone expected more from me.
so my journal says that before this year, the last time i posted in january was back in 2011. which i guess isnt saying much because most of these recent years there are plenty more months that i did not post in than i did. an aside, having children is one of the brightest ways i've ever found to be poignant. all the bittersweet of life can be spent just giving them the sweet.
still, i cant help but wonder if january scares me. what... what kind of month comes after december? i'm pretty sure i posted once that 'december never ends', and in some ways, i've never really left that month.
all the happiness and the sadness that lives within me and fuels my need to live.. is winterborn.
sure, ive grown happy (and even plump) in the summer. but i never dont remember.
all the novembers and decembers follow me around.
A great sadness of mine was the death of Stieg Larsson, author of the Millennium book series. He died mid series and - for me - his work will ever be unfinished.
And I find my life filled with these unfinished stories, stories of brilliant love that were never let be told. All of these secret authors with their passions and their hurts swirl around inside my head and speak to me.
And it is so beautiful, but....
.....i miss them all so much.
down by the flowerbed,
you were always trapped inside your own head.
i kissed your lips and you questioned everything,
the seasons turned and you questioned everything.
you loved your life and you hated your life and
the things i thought you said i guess you never really said.
(i heard them)
the day i met you i became an optimist,
and i never really needed anything else.
your words pierce the veil
and illuminated life for me
and i never needed anything again.
and all the secrets you were to scared to share
were things i knew and loved.
and all the things i liked about you
you thought i never knew.
and when you finally said goodbye,
i loved you.
Fine of Form
I stooped down low at the top of the bannister, peering down the stairs I heard the TV softly sounding soft.
I remember the course grain of the carpet, sleeping there, on the top stair.
All I've ever known or loved I tried to hold it there.
And you lift my sad heart, even though you are long since dead and gone.
The sound of quietness that settles on my home, a place I still can call my own.
I've kissed the sunkissed hair of friends who I can't remember anymore; but the sunlight still smells the same.
I step up when the pressure's on, you've crushed me over and over and crushed me again.
You've taught me to be fine of form and clear with my words;
But the more I speak the more I keep on hearing the same thing.
At nights I lay down on the carpet and cry something rougher.
I've been loved in the shallows of the deepest lake and you make my love something tougher.
But I still remember what it was like swimming through days where the daze carried on from day to day to day to day.
I remember being sick to my stomach watching you be born, and my goodbyes keep on outnumbering my hellos.
Walking down the long road down to the shore of the lighthouse in the night, I found the sand.
The course grain on my soft skin - I make a fist and I stare down the stars.
When I let it go nothings there.
When I let go nothings there.
I still stare you down on that pale night, fear and passion light your eyes, the only form that was ever fine.
It took some time, but I've found your form in every form, and your blood in my blood too.
And in the emptiness of hiding and waiting and never being found --
I won't be lonely in freedom,
You've taught me to be never harsh in love.
it came and went;
i sat upon the lily bed, searched my heart and read a book
never thought i'd need to take a look
till it was gone.
you came and went;
you'd greet me cheery after school, i was a fool and you -
those were the days you were one too
until you weren't.
we came and went;
the weeks grow short the months grow long, i'm right in autumn, wrong in fall
and every time i want to take you calls
i never do.
the more i try to know myself the more i find i'm someone else except that someone else is always gone.
and i've learned on weekdays to find solace in being part of you, and part of everyone.
but then i dream.
it came and went;
you were here and then you went.