(no subject)

its the strength to be myself through all these years

that everybody didn’t notice

or everybody hated.

I can smile a little because of it now, and because i’m strong.

But a part of me (the part that dreams at night) just frowns and wishes it had been everyone else who had been strong in the end.

All I really ever wanted was you.

(no subject)

You were a sending flower fast and deep.
Your petals moors your ankles steep and i

I sailed away and i drowned in you. I went down to the root of the vine and i smothered in you.

You were the flaming jet of no regret. You were beautiful and bold and you were laid to rest. And i

I held on to you and i held on for you. I didnt flinch and you still stole my show.

You were december when i loved the snow. You were the way that beauty danced and they laid you low and i

I laid there with you in the cold. i loved every minute and the world was gold. And the things that tried to hurt you didnt matter there and all your crazy thoughts were ok and there was a space for you was a room for you and i made it real i took in everything about you and still let you feel and you

You didnt think to ask me if i could handle you. I was ready for so long but

And you left and you never came.

(no subject)

Give me love, not solitude.

Give me something, not nothing.

It doesn’t have to be this hard, it can be easy.

But it isn’t easy. It’s hard, hard, HARD.

I could do it on my own, but that is never what i wanted.

Why will no one ever come with me. Why am i always on my own.

The more i begged not to be invisible the more i vanished from the day, shrinking and silencing until i was the one with the keys but also the one in the cage. And i screamed and i screamed and you shook your head and hated me.

And hated i was no longer me,
And no longer me i was no longer,

And there was a certain silence in death that i miss.

I miss the silence when all i hear is your silence.
And all i hear is a ringing in my ears, my screaming, telling me i’ll never be human again.

The call it anger and i call it guilt and all i feel is sad because every day of my life is just starting over from square one.

I am so tired of them hating what i stand for and so tired of no one changing.

It doesn't have to be this hard, it can be easy.

But it isn’t easy.

"the homesickness you have when you are still at home"

There is space, in the middle of a space,
with time unending.

And I can't put my finger on it
because I heard you the first time; what did you say?

The little eyes so engaged are the little eyes that end averted.

Find me here and tell me that this is everything I've built.
Assure me that I've made it back at the end of the longest day.

Let me feel it all for a moment and let me

slip through it; I never change.

The summer comes in, orange and red, burning softly through my head. My thoughts a fire on a fire's bed and
here they let me down, fading.
I was a child and I had children too. That love breaks down every rule and, at the bottom of it all leaves me -
wild and spinning and still.

The first hello, the last goodbye, somewhere between you can stay inside; can you stay inside?
Shut the shutters and keep the key and keep the good times secretly but at the bottom of it,
all of it leaves me.

Eyes open and explore the room. Out the window, to the moon.
Breakfast on the go and never stopping.
The summer sun is hot ahead, race it to the trees and
never look back.
A snack a break, some lemonade - cool reclining in the shade
looking back over the melting ice inside the bowl.
Up and onward through the creek, dancing upwards to the peaks, a day a week a month it seems,
sprawled on green grass letting it all in.
And then again.

The only time we reign it is is when we want to try to reign it in,
keeping and reclaiming what we can't.

I loved but even eventually
my loves each loved other loves
and full I just wanted to go home.

(no subject)

drowning 8h 07eeo3w

sitting on the beach being told that love was rare

girls who were bold and terrified,
girls who were timid and terrified.

the greatest gift is love
so lets sit down define it

instead of live it

the real hypocrisy is an unwillingness to pretend we can make it.

Eleven years

Eleven years

And even when it hurts its free,
the memories all but escaping me

you laughed and dreamed and it never seemed like life
would all but swallow you.

the sea it sends
the searafts home and on driftwood i am all alone
the sole survivor of
the day to day,

imagining another time and another way
for you to see

I made a house down by the shore and lived there for a thousand days
watching the tides.
For every wave that came and went I know I died just a little bit,
the sweet sea breeze carries your name in every scent,
the open air your breezeway faire - and I know I saw you dance upon the sea.

but every tilt laps a little more,
and tide by tide there is no more shore,
the ground around you soft and away.

but you sang to me, my entire world
your softest lilt the frothy swirl,
and every note and every word each broke my earth and kissed me home, the making and unmaking that only I heard.

but time turns pearls into sand
and all the glamour that we had
and all of you that was so grand

sifts softly from my hand

sifts softly from me.

i dreampt of all you used to be
i dreampt of all you could have been
and in this way you're real to me - debase the way life leaves us linearly
and let me dance with you, here, now,
before the tide recedes..
  • Current Music
    Emerald Eyes ~{Anson Seabra}

(not really finished)

The change that happens every year.

I don't want to be the same
and more and more I try to change,
beaten and battered back to who I've always been.
And you just don't want to change,
wishing backwards to the days to stay the same,
days that are already gone and away.

But I miss the change that happens every year.
I miss you when you're not around
and miss you when you are, passing softly in a different way.
Days that remind me of days that remind me of days
make me long for change.

And you dig through to the core of you.
The further you come the closer you are to who you've always been.
Watching patterns and counting the teeth
until lives repeat.

They say I'm an old soul,
but aren't we both -
Waiting until time stops
to finally die?

(no subject)

Grass slopes down and
white pillars rise.

A sleepy hand upon the snakey shod shoots


up and fades out. A white mist high above and far below; in between
crisp greens and mulch browns,
well-worn paths.

far below, the sea.