April 22nd, 2009


(no subject)

It's a Wednesday, so I'm stuck on campus for four and a half hours between classes. I'll probably end up making a couple posts during this time. I had some work I was planning on getting done, but in a lapse of judgement, I didn't bring it with me becuase I've been EXHAUSTED today and was planning on taking a nap now. But as the song I breifly played this morning sang, "I've been up for way too long / and I'm too tired to sleep." So here I am online again with nothing to do but stay conscious unnecessairly.

I've been lonely as of late, but I've also been unusually free. I'm a little less okay with myself than I have been in some time, but I can still be okay with that becasue I'm typically quite okay with me. Well, I'm typically okay with how I think, not necessairly how I act. I still feel I come accross as flippant; I don't carry that weight of presence that I intend to. I'm not 'intense'. And I can't help feeling that, if I were maybe just a little more decisive and maybe just a little more mysterious, maybe i could have that draw, that keeps people interested, that makes people listen--really listen--to what I have to say. And not just in the 'oh yeah ive got this good frined Nick who usually has pretty cool ideas' kinda way, but in that ever elusive 'Nick said something the other day and I think I'll consider changing my behavior patterns based upon it' way. I feel like I've lost that leadership quality that I never really understood how I had to begin with, or where it came from, but that apparently served me pretty well between two-thousand and four and two-thousand and six or seven. So no, I'm not really ok with how I act.
But I am pretty alright with how I think. I feel that, in my continuing personal journey I have managed to take in many new ideas and trains of thought. I'm a better person than I was a few years ago, which is intersting, becuase, using the metric of what other people had to say about me, I was a pretty good person back then too. At least in theory.
I'd like to think that, now, I'm even easier to talk to than before, and even better at listening. Not that I'm actually any good at holding conversation. I still don't really get that. Like in my classes, which is the only place I really encounter many people these days (better at listening; noone to listen to) I see other people talking, and maybe someone says something to me. I respond with a simple answer, one that doesnt necesssairly invoke further conversation. It still doesnt seem necessary to me. Theres this amusement and joy just from being around other people, but conversation typically dosesnt add that much too it. I'm starting to wonder if people in my classes notice that I stare at them alot. Maybe they're in class to recieve instruction from the professor, but for every word the teacher teaches from his/her thirty to fifty-something years of experience, there are about twenty students in the class with twenty-ish years of diverse experience each whom the idea taught bounces of, refracted in many different way. If I'm in class to learn from the professor, I'm also there to learn from my classmates.
But they're not my friends. To paraphrase something that Katie posted a little while back, all the interesting people I've met in college are not the spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with kind of friends that the people I know (primarily) from back in Louisville are, and it's just not the same.
The sooner I can get done with college (ha! its taking me soo long) the better, so i can get a nice simple job and move back there without the weight of education and EXPECTATION weighing down on me anymore. I can barely breathe, let alone be myself. Let alone figure out who I want to be. Who I should be.
And even in all this [freedom], there are still times when I just miss people. Songs play, seasons change, and I remember all the amazing ideas and feeling i once knew. I've never really been able to sucessfully discuss all my ideas regarding intimacy, necessity, love, and companionship, and, even retrospectively, i dont know how accuratly they've been understood by others. out of my three major relationships (not counting my first one which falls into a differnet category), i can only think that none of them went on long enough to really establish pure communication. at least, that may seem to be the case. and the one that i think came closest to having ideas on the above topics mutually understood didnt verbalize them enough to be sure. To paraphrase Subaru, I feel that if I put it into words, the most important part of what I'm feeling will be lost. And going off of some of what Nic said, I really long for companionship. For a long time I had gotten into a very speccific idea of what that meant, and that was a mistake. It had to mean relationship, and it had to be somewhat physical. It had to be alot of things that I never intended and that all got somehow caught up in my whirlwind through life. There are all sorts of ways to Know someone.
Nic was talking about the worry of never knowing 'romatic love'. This was my worry, once, until unexplicable events between two-thousand five and two-thousand seven proved me wrong. However, the worry hasn't abided. Now, I simply worry that I won't know it again. And never as amazing as I did. And I don't meant to carry on about this, because as I said above, recently I've been unusually free. Free of these concerns and free of this need. But this is the logical direction that this paragraph is taking, so I'll dwell on it momentarily. I'm very well rounded. Open to all sorts of ideas and thoughts. But ever so there is always that part of me that really identified with what I hear a number of the guys I'm friends with saying, 'why am I alone?!' and it bothers me. frequently. All The Time. But that doesn't mean it consumes me. I really am easy-going and optimistic at my core. There isnt much that bothers me. And how could there be? I am not concerned about death in the slightest, and when death isn't a worry, what else would be? Despite how often (or at times, un-often) I find myself depressed, I'm still pretty care-free. Relationships are the natural evolution of friendships. Not to say that a friendship, at a certain stage, becomes a relationship, but a relationship IS a friendship that's at a certain stage. So simple. So mutually confirming and progressive. And that's all it has to be.
But whatever! Enough of this!

(no subject)

"What was in the boxes?
And why did they go away unopened?"


The boxes this morning were empty. The sweet smell of the blossoms my only resolve.
My eyes shut, open, blinked; already awake.
What was sleep really, but a vapid passage to today.
Skipping all those dreadful nightime hours, one would miss so much.
My feet touched the floor, a silent certitude to my every move. And move I did. Deftly, to the open window, cool air funneling through the hanging blinds. Rectangular aperture to a sensory bliss.
Sofly, petals fell. I listened to each one croon gently against the wind. Gliding back and forth before touching the road.
What a cold end for such beauty, buldging tires raining swift havoc upon them before clamoring to a halt.

On the same soft breeze I turned and trodded down the hall. Silence.
But only for a moment. Here was the kitchen, castle of my culinary majesty! Corners piled high with boxes large and boxes small. Boxes from around the world, and boxes from the grocer down the street. I was not ready to leave.
These, my life's collection, and this, my kitchen. I poured myself a drink whilst I let the mists of contemplation cloud my mind. Coffee, black.

As I reached a deep nirvana I reached out with my mind, to touch and sense each and every box that was slipping away for good. In this moment the world came to me, spoke to me, in waves of color deep and soothing. An acquiescence enveloped. An understanding, understood.

The air trembled with an unfamiliar reverie. Footsteps echoed down the cooridors, set apart from the stillness of my breaths. Somewhere above, a well-lit window turned to grey, clouds covering the peeked eyes of the child sun; he need not see.

Somewhere, somewhere in my house were invaders. Encroachers and depravers. Absconders. My boxes were not safe and I.. I would not let them go.
I would stay this place a little longer, know these smells a little longer, drink these's coffees a little longer. And on that thought I took the first sip of mine, raising up my mask just far enough to enjoy the brew.


On the chill breeze I turned and trodded down the hall; silent. Here there were men, and brutes of men, all uniformed and in the thick of work.
I hovered down the corridor, gloved fingertips with woe detecting every flaw and imperfection upon the naked sheetrock wall where once my artistry had hung, to them.

Wrist flicked.
Golden, shuriken, it flew.

And then the moring opened up. With violent cries, a great cacophony of hellish pain! I moved unseen amidst the thieving mover men, dispatching each with great care. Great precision. Great elated glee.

I, in some state of exaulted revelry
thought back. How many times had I known this before?

And then it ended, all their pain. The morning lay still. My boxes at my leisure to be returned to my halls and to my kitchen, to each familiar crevice of my soul.
Each unopened. Each intact.

I smiled a smile that noone would see, and stepped quietly back to
my morning drink.

Yahoo! Answers

(and to continue spamming posts on a Wednesday afternoon...)

So, I've been saying I was going to post about Yahoo! Answers, and now I am!

For anyone not familiar with the service, in a nutshell, people ask questions, and other people answer them! I thought Yahoo! was pretty smart originally for coming up with this (I realize other sites have similiar services). Anyway, in the years since it came out it's kinda gone down hill. But I frequently answers all sorts of questions on there. I come accross everything from physics problems to dating advice to maritial issues to politics and religion to, well, just about everything. Most questions I see are not very intelligent.
Anyway, I'm just going to list a bunch of them. And don't forget to keep in mind: these are REAL questions REAL PEOPLE are turning to other REAL PEOPLE on the INTERNET for help with.

I'm addicted! (to answering them)

I'll even number them so if you want to say something about them it'll be easy!
And I'll put it behind a Cut for everyone who doesn't care! :)

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