July 29th, 2009


An Update: Thoughts on People's Need To Identify Themselves

Its been awhile since ive posted something entirely coherent. Ive been doing well. Well, reasonably well. Sometimes I really don't like my life, but alot of the time I feel like being around alot of semi-shallow people has helped me slip into a pattern where I think it's okay to not really like my life. It seems so shallow and unenlightened to make complaints. I used to be able to make peace a lot easier. I read a secret on PostSecret a few minutes ago that said "I hate it when I make plans w/ someone I don't even like, just so can pass the time". I feel that way sometimes about complaining, about feeling jipped. Sometimes, I complain to people just to make their complaining seem a little less akward. I wonder if I used to look down on them arrogantly, thinking 'theres so much more to life, if you can't even get over feeling like life owed you the outcome to that circumstance you expected, how are you going to function' and now i say 'me too' just so I don't think they should feel dumb. Whatever. Also, I don't know how I feel about school anymore. I hate it when people feel ashamed towards me, and I kind of assumed people would subtley after I've wasted so many years of my life piddling through education. So I'd undercut that by feeling even worse about it myself, so they wouldn't have any grounds to even say anything to me, kinda of like 'I know, I know! I've beaten myself up about this so much you don't even need to say it!' The problem is, I no longer remember or can tell if I started doing this because I wanted to avoid other people saying this, or because I really do feel ashamed myself. I need to get out of this house. But, even though I say that sometimes, it goes back to my first point that I complain about things just so I'll have more established views about things.
You know, I had an apex where I was quite carefree about life. I still see how everything moves in tandem and harmony with everything else. But I was convinced people didn't really like how 'indecisive' that made me, and wanting to come of as determined and bold, I worry that I became less in tune with the world in order to have more defined opinions. I hope that's not the case! I remember thinking back as early as middle school that it was probably a bad thing for people to become too self-defined.

I am glad today that I live when I do. People are complicated, and my heart goes out to all of them. But what does that mean, really? There is so much involved in coming to understand the human psyche, the human heart. So many existential questions, too. So much to just rying to get a grasp on who I am MYSELF. I'm glad I live now. Centuries ago, decades even to a lesser extent, people didn't even have words or phrases for the types of ideas I grapple with on a daily basis. One of the greatest things about today is it's wealth of language for concepts that it barely understands itself.
Though, sometimes I wonder about living all those centuries ago. Back when there was much less of an idea of the individual and much more the idea of society. Because coupled with this curiosity I have to discern truth comes the realization that the acquisition of truth isn't necessary. It may be just the search that is significant. And equally significant is the duty to appreciate smaller truths as they are interpreted by the people who live with them daily, as opposed to asuming that having more truth at my disposal means I am living a fuller life, or at least, have the potential to.
To this end, it is nt displeasing at all to my sensabilities to consider living in a time where people did not have the words and phrases they do today, and where my identity as an individual was of much lesser importance.

Myself and other people get too caught up in being self-defined. They want--have--to know who they are, and everything that entails. What they like, what they dislike, what they believe about the universe around and the different things in it. What they love, what they just can't stand. And not to say that understanding isnt important, but it's not ultimately important. Society pushes us to find our place, because the world has begun to set itself up in a manner in which everything is easily classifiable and catagorizeable, but truly our place is where we are, and our self is who we are. We already move in this world with a oneness what is wholly independent of our individuality or our strivigs.