I've been lonely as of late, but I've also been unusually free. I'm a little less okay with myself than I have been in some time, but I can still be okay with that becasue I'm typically quite okay with me. Well, I'm typically okay with how I think, not necessairly how I act. I still feel I come accross as flippant; I don't carry that weight of presence that I intend to. I'm not 'intense'. And I can't help feeling that, if I were maybe just a little more decisive and maybe just a little more mysterious, maybe i could have that draw, that keeps people interested, that makes people listen--really listen--to what I have to say. And not just in the 'oh yeah ive got this good frined Nick who usually has pretty cool ideas' kinda way, but in that ever elusive 'Nick said something the other day and I think I'll consider changing my behavior patterns based upon it' way. I feel like I've lost that leadership quality that I never really understood how I had to begin with, or where it came from, but that apparently served me pretty well between two-thousand and four and two-thousand and six or seven. So no, I'm not really ok with how I act.
But I am pretty alright with how I think. I feel that, in my continuing personal journey I have managed to take in many new ideas and trains of thought. I'm a better person than I was a few years ago, which is intersting, becuase, using the metric of what other people had to say about me, I was a pretty good person back then too. At least in theory.
I'd like to think that, now, I'm even easier to talk to than before, and even better at listening. Not that I'm actually any good at holding conversation. I still don't really get that. Like in my classes, which is the only place I really encounter many people these days (better at listening; noone to listen to) I see other people talking, and maybe someone says something to me. I respond with a simple answer, one that doesnt necesssairly invoke further conversation. It still doesnt seem necessary to me. Theres this amusement and joy just from being around other people, but conversation typically dosesnt add that much too it. I'm starting to wonder if people in my classes notice that I stare at them alot. Maybe they're in class to recieve instruction from the professor, but for every word the teacher teaches from his/her thirty to fifty-something years of experience, there are about twenty students in the class with twenty-ish years of diverse experience each whom the idea taught bounces of, refracted in many different way. If I'm in class to learn from the professor, I'm also there to learn from my classmates.
But they're not my friends. To paraphrase something that Katie posted a little while back, all the interesting people I've met in college are not the spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with kind of friends that the people I know (primarily) from back in Louisville are, and it's just not the same.
The sooner I can get done with college (ha! its taking me soo long) the better, so i can get a nice simple job and move back there without the weight of education and EXPECTATION weighing down on me anymore. I can barely breathe, let alone be myself. Let alone figure out who I want to be. Who I should be.
And even in all this [freedom], there are still times when I just miss people. Songs play, seasons change, and I remember all the amazing ideas and feeling i once knew. I've never really been able to sucessfully discuss all my ideas regarding intimacy, necessity, love, and companionship, and, even retrospectively, i dont know how accuratly they've been understood by others. out of my three major relationships (not counting my first one which falls into a differnet category), i can only think that none of them went on long enough to really establish pure communication. at least, that may seem to be the case. and the one that i think came closest to having ideas on the above topics mutually understood didnt verbalize them enough to be sure. To paraphrase Subaru, I feel that if I put it into words, the most important part of what I'm feeling will be lost. And going off of some of what Nic said, I really long for companionship. For a long time I had gotten into a very speccific idea of what that meant, and that was a mistake. It had to mean relationship, and it had to be somewhat physical. It had to be alot of things that I never intended and that all got somehow caught up in my whirlwind through life. There are all sorts of ways to Know someone.
Nic was talking about the worry of never knowing 'romatic love'. This was my worry, once, until unexplicable events between two-thousand five and two-thousand seven proved me wrong. However, the worry hasn't abided. Now, I simply worry that I won't know it again. And never as amazing as I did. And I don't meant to carry on about this, because as I said above, recently I've been unusually free. Free of these concerns and free of this need. But this is the logical direction that this paragraph is taking, so I'll dwell on it momentarily. I'm very well rounded. Open to all sorts of ideas and thoughts. But ever so there is always that part of me that really identified with what I hear a number of the guys I'm friends with saying, 'why am I alone?!' and it bothers me.
But whatever! Enough of this!