It's been a wild year. It's funny, really. Every year comes to suprise me a little bit.. my journey has been strange and deep and personal. I would draw it in dark greys and blues--very individual. I've gone along and walked with my God, and smiled and cried and wept. I've spent most of my time inquisitively wrapped up in other people's lives. And what people they have been. Beauty so overwhelming that I never did wrap my head around it entirely. I still try at times, thinking back. And when I'd delve down into their lives we'd go deep, into vibrant colors, love and passion and other intermingled things; life dripping down. But those ended. Short. Like bullets, tearing in and tearing out, and I've been left without breath down in my chest, gasping, but still propelling myself forward in the same sporadic cycle. I tell myself, 'what could be more important?'
Do I mind it? I'm not sure. I tell myself no, and I'm inclined to think that I believe this. Because, truely, 'it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all'. Furthermore, this is what we were made for. What I was made for--called for. And here I like myself unto a cup, but without a bottom, so that all the water that I hold is constantly flowing out of me. And yet, from above, there is a constant source that feeds into me, unending. This then, is how I spend my days, amidst the paradox of weary and refreshed--only, not in a cycle, but both at once, and constant.
I have always understood that I have trouble drawing the line between like and love, between non-romantic and romantic. Rather, I feel like I have done away with like. And so I jump headlong into love with so many of the souls I meet. And isn't this what I'm called for? And isn't this what Truth demands?
I've spent so uch time wrapped up in the past. Truly, the friends I've met (and lost) along the way have no idea the extent to which they've taught me. It is indeed an odd sensation, to find new meaning and significance and Truth from contemplation of individuals not seen in years, but so I do. I am ever learning. Year after year I settle into new heights of understanding of relationships, of love, of God. And much like Autumn's advent, each time I still manage to suprise myself with how much I still do not understand.
Indeed, looking back has shown me God. For a long time I used to wonder at the incomprehensible beauty I had seen in my past, since stripped away. I tried to understand it's existance, and what it meant to me. For a while, I think I concluded that God had given me some evanescent happiness with which I could forever propel myself forward through the suffering to which I am called. And so it has been. I have unending hope. So many times, when times were down, thoughts of escape would never cross my mind, because my thoughts were reinforced so with gimpses of beauty past. "To know that such an amazing bond--such a knowing--could exist proves to me beyond ALL doubt that hope prevails in this world."
I say this all to note this year. Recently, things began to slow. The dramatic highs and dramatic lows became less frequent--through circumstance, naught else--and my daily walk became much more internal. In this, God began to speak to me saying, "I didn't show you all of that so many yeas ago so that you would have something to hold onto as you walk alone. I showed it to you so that you might understand the kind of bond that you and I might come to have." I knew this to be true.
I have spent much of my journey of discovering God on my own, where one of the prime catalysts for my awareness of God has been creation, and other vast Truths that I have found on my own. But much of this process has also been here, in my journal, in my thoughts, where the only people I have to bounce my thoughts off of are atheists and others who don't share in my beliefs. This is not at all a bad thing, but it has definately shaped the way I relate to God. Stemming off my inclination to be amazed by natural beauty, and the Logic I find in Science and Math, which dictates Nature, the persona of God to wich I most draw near is that of Glorious Creator, as opposed to, say, the idea of Father with which I feel most of the Church today is the quickest to relate to. Again, this is neither good nor bad, and is in fact rather tedious to discuss, but these are distinction I have been able to draw after much introspection. I come to God bearing reverance for the His great power, which I also feel is the best apologetic tool there is.
Having said all of this, I'm making it a goal of mine to draw closer to God in a different way. From songs, the idea of Jesus being my 'first love' and my 'romance' have somewhat resonated within me for sometime, and I feel that if I really want to dedicate my life in the Right direction I need to come further into these understandings of my Deity.
I know I've mentioned it before, but here it is again: in the last few months I've made three new friends. Life continually suprises me. Audrey and Katie and Kristin. The are amazing. For the first time in a long time I've had moments of plain happiness. Rather, the only times I haven't felt content since I met them have been the occasions when I simply feel inadequate to comprehend their beauty--I guess this is just another one of life's ways of telling me, 'see? you still have such a long way to come'. I'll figure it out though. I'll connect meaningfully with them--the kind of meaning that is untarnishable, inseperable, and unending. I go from one to the next to the next and back again, and just stay taken aback by the Truth in their lives.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying they're perfect. Beauty isn't just in perfection, though. I find it in the striving: in intent. I've made yet another lifetime's worth of wonderful memories these last few months, and I still feel theres more distance between us that can be closed.
Also, I go on and on about them, I know--but I've made some guy friends as well. And that's something that's even harder for me to do. Kevin, Justin, Andrew. Still, this will take more time. I've never been as good at empathizing with guys as I have been with girls. Just mentioning them here should be saying something though. I have pretty high standards for trusting a guy, and I'll say right now that the three of these--specifically Justin and Kevin--are genuine.
Going back to Audrey, Kristin, and Katie, though, I'd really like to be able to impact their lives. I've seen pain behind their exteriors, and I long to be able to assuage that, fix it. Still, something else I've learned over the years is that no relationship is built on one-way repairs, and so I've been as busy as possible trying to look at this all from all angles.
It's amazing how much they care. I'm in love with it, in all three cases. There's no other way for me to say it.
They're also connected with chuch. Not in the personal way I am, but in an interpersonal way that I do not know: community. I have never been plugged into one church specifically, and I have no doubt this goes back to what I said above about how I relate to God. I'm hoping that I can use the chance of meeting these three as a way to get plugged into some sort of heightened involvement. Still, I admit this is an objective decision. I've decided this is best, but I still feel resistant to it. "Why should I find a small group?" I ask myself. I have no real answer.
And here's a footnote that I don't mention very often: youth. missions. Audrey's involved in one, Katie talks of the other. ...it's stange how life works out like this. Meeting them. Now. As I've said regarding this before: What could be more important?
Finally, there's been a thread weaving through this entire year with this message: be genuine.