it's not going to replace my LJ, but it should sever as a handy side project. I may end up porting my posts there over here as well, though, im not sure.
Anyway, I named my account "unentitled". This has been a year of still fascination. Life has crazy ups and downs, in which there is much change. But often I have found that as those tides settle down, that change settles down, too, and we are left much the same. It's often only in the unintentional lull, with only the awkward silence of yourself, when the emotion's gone, that you can start intentionally moving your sense of identity with permanence.
For me, the last few years have been a flurry of relationships and nostalgia, of defining myself in all sorts of terms and coming to see my God through all sorts of eyes. I held on tight, but so much of what I knew and loved slipped quietly away.
One of my favorite songs says it well, "I don't remember one jump or one leap / Just quiet steps away from your lead." And suddenly, I'm alone again. Well, not totally alone, but, suddenly, things are stilled about me again.
Only just earlier this year was I finally perceptive to what I think may have been God's hand in some of what's happened over the last few years. I had attributed reasons to it, such as "God must be showing me this or that" but I was finally coming into that quiet listening state where, among other things, He was telling me it was alright to be alone.
From there, I've struggled hard with the finer things. All the big issues that people focus on these days are blown way out of proportion--the political platforms and the moral vices (abortion and gay rights? drinking and drugs and sex?). No, no. These are significant, but this year has been about that angry thought I had about the driver who cut me off, about that feeling of hurt I feel when my friend laughs at me, about that urge to play up one thing around some people and play it down around others, and about that feeling of deserving to do nothing but relax after a long day of work. Pain, anger, selfpity, pride, insecurity, uncertainty, indignation. The finer things. This year has been about them and one simple truth: we are not entitled to them.
We are unentitled.
We are claimed.